I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
