i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
