Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
