I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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