I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
