He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize