Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
