I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
