I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
