I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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