I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
