i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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