Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
