I faked an abortion last night.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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