Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
