just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
