Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
