btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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