I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize