thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
