The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
