"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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