If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize