I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
