I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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