You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
