I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
