i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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