I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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