Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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