My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
