when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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