On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
