Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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