Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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