I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
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