so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
