she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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