There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
she told me i tasted like america
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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