so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
