The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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