Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize