How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
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