I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
