So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
