My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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