It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
