Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
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