My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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