she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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