3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
