It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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