Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
