Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
