girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize