no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
