So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
