Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
