He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
