Apparently you make a good broom.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
